Hansel Bell
Hansel is a male half-orc CN fighter played by Izzy. He is everyone's dad, whether they like it or not. Testimonials "Love that fucking guy. Crazy, though." -- Mishka "That sick son of a bitch." -- Goro "Fuck you, Hansel." -- also Goro "That fucker just needs a hug." -- still Goro, somehow "Who do I know who's a jackass but also nice? Oh! Hansel!" -- Goro, yet again "Big fucking rampant idiot." -- Larkin "You think it’s okay for you to fucking halfway kill yourself because I’ll just pop in and grab you? Well you’re goddamn right. Fuck me. Fuck you too. Hansel fucking Granger." -- Mishka "Calm and stable but also depressed and vaguely suicidal." -- Muse "Hansel looking sad is a fucking 9th level spell." -- Lina "Hansel had a nervous breakdown when Goro complimented him for too long." -- Lina, telling the unadulterated truth "A reformed Murder Boy who now mostly wants to help and protect people." -- Izzy "Poor Hansel." -- everyone OOC except Izzy Backstory Hansel was raised (and named) by his human mother and stepfather, dairy farmers named Marion and Elijah Granger. He's never had any contact with his biological orc father, nor does he even know who he was. He also has a younger half-brother named Leigh. He hasn't seen any of them in about twenty years. He left home at 16 and signed onto the first ship he could, looking for travel and adventure and at first finding work guarding merchant vessels. When one of those vessels was boarded by pirates, he had no particular problem switching sides to survive, and it turned out he was pretty good at being a pirate. When he was 23, he encountered a pair of orphan beggars when his ship was docked in Skyport. Finding them charming, he took it upon himself to get them to the nearby Sanctuary of Eldath, where he figured they'd be safe. However, he discovered that the Mother was abusing the children they were fostering, burning them with Sacred Flame. He solved this problem with murder, left a more moral cleric in charge, and kept checking up on the kids and sending them letters and money whenever he could. This is how he became friends with / an intermittent father figure to Jonn and Lucienne Sterling. At 26, he met Captain Mikhail "Mishka" Haeth in a seedy pirate bar, and ended up signing onto his crew. Mishka flirted with him unabashedly from day one and eventually, despite Hansel's reluctance to express any mood other than "vaguely grumpy", Mishka coaxed him open somewhat and became the only person he would be emotional and vulnerable around. When Hansel was 34, the first mate officiated their wedding at sea. The same year, Mishka made off with all of the crew's earnings and sold their ship in order to buy himself a house on land and a vineyard. He tried to get Hansel to join him, but knowing that he probably wouldn't, didn't tell him the plan until it was all over. Hansel was completely betrayed and chose to stay with the crew instead. Over the next year, the crew floundered to keep their heads above water. Eventually, their busted-up replacement ship sailed into port one day with only one sailor remaining: Hansel. He doesn't talk about what happened to his friends. Since then, he's been afraid of the ocean and making his living as a fighter on land, sometimes on one side of the law, sometimes the other. He worked for the Graverunners Guild for a stint, and is currently a self-employed adventurer working out of Glimmerton. Notes * Hansel is a vegetarian. * He owns a maple mandolin, which he plays extremely poorly, as well as a copper collapsible spyglass and compass. Currently, Jonn has the compass. He recently gave the mandolin to Roddy. * His old hoplon shield is painted black and emblazoned with a red downward-pointing chevron, a recreation of the trademark pirate flag of Mishka's ship, The Red Blade. The symbol is now also the logo of Mishka's wine. * His old silver trident previously belonged to Taavit, the first person he ever loved romantically. Appearance Hansel is 6'4", ~250 lbs, and 36 years old. He has gray skin, dark brown eyes that appear black, black hair, and a neatly-trimmed beard. No tattoos. Both ears are pierced several times, but he no longer regularly wears rings. An assortment of scars. The most noticeable are the crescent shark bite on his left shoulder / chest and back, and the burn/slash on his back running from right shoulder to left hip. On the right side of his abdomen, just under his rib cage, is a round stab from a tiefling horn. He also has a pale line across the base of his neck, though it's very faint. He's missing his right pinkie finger, and his right tusk is broken low to the gums; it appears to be missing entirely when his mouth is closed. Incident at Sea In Hansel the Cannibal, Mishka told Goro that the 'incident' involved a shipwreck that rendered Hansel's new ship barely functional, and Mishka assumed Hansel and the crew to be dead. However, some time later, Kheman (the ship's cook, and also Larkin's father) found Mishka and allegedly told him that during a storm, Hansel butchered and ate their entire crew -- he only survived by hiding below decks for three weeks. Mishka then found Hansel alive in Skyport. He told Goro that he believes Hansel deserves to hang for what he did. Goro didn't bring this up until A Bird in the Hand, when, after dancing around the issue for a little while, he told Hansel the story Mishka had told him. Hansel blankly said it sounded like bullshit, but Goro's insight said that Hansel was lying about something. Unbeknownst to the rest of the party, Hansel sent a letter to Mishka the morning after this conversation. When the Graverunners visited the Sanctuary of Eldath following the events of The Black Minute-Glass, Larkin found her father recovering there, as Mishka had told her he would be once he found out who she was. Kheman confirmed the story that Mishka had relayed, adding that it had started as a random lottery the crew had agreed upon after running out of food -- and that in the storm, Hansel, once stoic and kind, had appeared to be a man possessed. Larkin confronted Hansel about this and he gave her his side of the story, which lined up with Kheman's. He told her that he'd heard a voice in the story telling him that the only way any of them would survive was if he killed the rest of the crew, and said that he didn't know if the voice had been real or a product of insanity, and that if it had been real, he was unsure if it had compelled him to act or he'd chosen to obey it. Either way, consumed by guilt, he asked Larkin to kill him, a request which she shrugged off. She told him she would go ask her father what he thought should be done to Hansel, then never came back. Allies Jonn Sterling human 'son', 23 Jonn (pronounced 'Yon'; soft J) was a street urchin whom Han took under his wing. When Hansel came in from the sea, they lived together at an inn and pooled their income, until the Grumpy Sausage was destroyed and they eventually moved onto the Sugar Glider until Jonn betrayed the Graverunners and was run off by Goro and Sugar. Jonn is a thief in his own right and occasional prostitute, and currently works for a Skyport thieves' guild alongside Finch, who he now lives with. Lucienne Sterling human 'daughter', 17 Jonn's much younger sister, currently living at the Sanctuary of Eldath outside Skyport where Hansel placed them as kids. She's studying to become a cleric. Hansel visits her when she can, but it's not a quick journey, and he tends to get busy. They write each other fairly frequently. Mikhail "Mishka" Haeth high elf ex-husband, 117 The captain of Hansel's pirating days, until he stole all of his crew's loot and even sold the ship right out from under them in order to buy himself a home and vineyard. He wanted Hansel to join him in this, but Hansel found the entire idea repugnant. More recently, he poisoned Jonn with Red Jermaine in an effort to extort Hansel, but after a confrontation, he surrendered the final ingredient of the antidote. He later admitted that he wouldn't have actually let Jonn die, and this in part triggered a chain of events that led to the two of them reconciling, sort of. Enemies Captain Dread "Jonesy" Jones tiefling pirate A sworn rival pirate of Hansel's former captain and husband, Mishka. They were feuding before Hansel even met Mishka and she still has it out for both of them, even though neither lives the pirate life anymore. Former Crew The crew of the Red Blade, Mishka's former ship on which Hansel served eight years. After their captain sold the ship, the crew purchased a new one (the Albatross) and continued to work together under slightly different command. * Captain Mikhail 'Mishka' Haeth. * First mate Corven. Human woman. Became the reluctant captain in Mishka's stead. * Pilot / navigator Serena. An elven cleric of Selune. * Boatswain Elitash. An older half-orc woman who served as the master at arms before Hansel. * Master gunner Hunter. A tiefling woman who defected from Captain Dread Jones's crew. * Sail-master Crunch. A kenku woman and recent hire at the time of the sale. * Bard Chirp. Crunch's little brother. * Carpenter Siobhan. A buff and taciturn human woman. * Cook Kheman Basha. Larkin's father. The only other survivor of the storm. * Master at arms Hansel Granger. Unwilling first mate after Mishka left. To-do List # Parent sociopath(s) # Save idiot ex-husband the city from eldritch abomination - ✓ # Slay dragon # Kill god? # PTSD therapy # Get Mishka to chill the fuck out and tell the truth - ✓ # ??? # Retire and open a vegetarian tavern # Remarry Mishka - ✓ Hansel Guide Do Not: * tell him what to do * try to coerce or manipulate him * in any way threaten his family * use magic on him * question his past * try to help him without being asked * try to make him talk about feelings * leave him Do: * be loyal * stand up to him * threaten him (he'll probably find it funny) * initiate physical contact * be blunt and honest * befriend his family members * ask for his help * be vulnerable around him * understand him when he can't talk * let him think he's in control, even if he's not * remember that there are exceptions to every rule Vignettes * Storm (backstory) * Good (backstory) * Nightmare (backstory) * Golden (backstory) * Dukhal (backstory) * Swordplay, pt 1 (backstory) * Swordplay, pt 2 (backstory) * Swordplay, pt 3 (backstory) * Ignition (backstory) * Promises (backstory) * Mal Karash (backstory) * Serena: Don't Be Afraid (backstory) * Lottery (backstory) * Tusk (backstory) * The Note (backstory) * Aftermath (post-Everything Is Fine and Nothing Bad Happens) * Backstab (post-Everything Is Fine, pre-The Dwarven Ruins) * Kittens * Here * No * Drown (post-The Black Minute-Glass) * Problem * Breathe * Touch * Wait (during Lockheart & Gold) Category:Player Characters Category:Hansel Category:Izzy Category:Three Stooges of Common Sense